San Francisco is a sexy city.  We are the home of Good Vibrations,

the Citadel, Folsom Street Fair and Pride Week.

San Francisco is the place where you go to explore, find yourself, dip your toes into a few ponds.

Here-I’ve found my sensuality through yoga, fire dancing, and (arguably) the most sensual event in the area-Burning Man.

Lately I’ve been surrounded by sexy parties and , the more I attend, the more I notice the difference between sexual and sensual.

Every weekend-my inbox is filled with parties promising sex- “Orgasmic Meditation”-“Velvet Play Parties”-“Circus of Sin”-“Dungeons and Drag Queens”.  Each is guaranteed that you WILL get laid by the end of the night, almost as if on movie set where everyone shouts “ACTION” and you are supposed to have sex on the spot.

Ah, the life of a single girl in San Francisco…..

You would think we all walk around all day in constant embrace-unable to take our hands off of one another.

To the contrary, if you walk around Union Square-the Marina-even the Castro, you are more likely to see people engrossed more with their IPads than each other!

It’s as if our American obsession with reaching “The Goal” has carried over to our sex lives!

I went out with a dear female friend on a Friday night and the men were so aggressive (pawing us and following us around to grind against us without speaking a word) that she and I held hands and declared to anyone that asked that we were dating each other!  Certainly, my dancing and interactions with her (she is a yoga Goddess) were far more sensual than the groping and thrusting these men had to offer.

So, as with all of these issues, I went to my European friends:

They , of course, are amused at the American way of mating.

They explained that they are not as goal oriented towards sex but allow it to develop naturally, sensually.  That, instead of releasing all of that pent up sexual frustration from a week of asexuality, they engage in arousing activities all week.  That they are just as likely to sleep with a barista or a person they met on the bus as they are at a party where everyone is in latex.  (This particular friend of mine loves to go out in latex BTW)

He even said you can look around and tell who is European and who is not, because the Euros make long eye contact and don’t dart their eyes around looking for the next, easier, hotter conquest.

Sounds kind of pathetic, doesn’t it?

Then we changed our discussion to Burning Man and told stories to a first-timer (also European).  And, as we told her about the great Djs and dancing, the amazing camps (massages, glitter camp, rope-tying camp, Astral Lounge, Goddess Camp, Sacred Spaces Village, the Garden of Eden)

And, I realized that Burning Man is full of sexuality and sensuality.  Everyone drops their titles, attitudes, and IPads to work together to build what becomes the 2nd largest city in Nevada for the week.  Interactions aren’t by text or IM but hands on interactions. 

I’ve connected stronger with friends, lovers and stangers on the Playa than I’ve done at any sexy party.  No agenda, no goal seeking, just honest pure interactions.  In fact, one of my most sensual moments on the Playa was with a perfect stranger.  One morning I went to check out the Temple and made eye contact with this gorgeous man.  We walked towards one another and soon were passionately kissing.

As we held hands, we walked over to Bliss and had one of the most intense discussions I’ve had with anyone.  It was totally organic, unexpected and natural.

We separated, and I went back to camp with friends and we played and rolled around our lounge laughing, hula hooping, and playing on the stripper pole.

So, maybe Americans are goal oriented towards sex.  Maybe we in San Francisco have all of these hyped-up sexual options that make us feel like we should be getting it ALL of the time with EVERYONE no matter if we are really feeling it or even the person we are with.

But, maybe, just maybe, those of us that go to Burning Man to find that mecca where we can drop the bullshit boundaries and definitions and come into touch with our natural sensuality -maybe we are re-defining what sexuality and sensuality is in our country and our fair city.

I’m digging out my tutus and corsets in the hope that we are!

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